Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Tuestorial for kids: How to startle and annoy your parents when they think you are asleep

Kids are weird sleepers.  Even once they are "sleeping through the night," it's going to be a very long time before you ever get a full night's sleep again.  If you're parent to an infant right now, I'm sorry to break that to you.  It's better, but they still wake you up.  Especially if you have more than one.  They'll never all sleep all night on the same night.  So. . . straight from my children, here are some creative ways my children have found to startle, annoy and wake me up when they were (or I thought they were) asleep. Please feel free to comment with any clever and ridiculous sleeping/waking stories from your own children/husbands/pets.

  • Fall asleep on your mom's lap in church and when they ask for volunteers to help pass the offering plates, spring up suddenly and run to the front of the sanctuary.
  • Have nightmares about vegetables and wake up in the middle of the night screaming about them.
  • Take the dog to bed with you and shut the door.  Then, around 2am, kick the dog violently out of your bed so she wakes up and makes a fuss to be let out of the room.  Be sure to NOT show any signs of consciousness/ability to let the dog out of the room yourself.
  • Leave a glass of water out for the cat to knock onto the hardwood floor in the wee hours.  This is sure to set off the glass break detector in the security alarm.  Warn your dad ahead of time to not wake up, (or at most, mutter, "Go turn that damn thing off.") despite the screaming alarm that should, in theory, wake up anyone. This will not only scare the daylights out of your mom and force her to go downstairs and disarm the alarm, but will cause her to stay up the rest of the night wondering what would happen to her if an actual crime happened, as your dad would clearly sleep through it.
  • While sound asleep in the car, jump into your sisters' argument by yelling "NO" in your sleep.  This will probably amuse your mother, but will sufficiently confuse and annoy your sisters, which is nearly as good.
  • Get up to go to the bathroom but forget how to step on a stool to turn on the light.  Scream at the top of your lungs that you can't go to the bathroom in the dark. Bonus points if you wake up a sibling in the process.
  • Fall out of bed.  It's a classic.
  • Stealthily crawl into bed with your parents.  Spend the night kicking and hitting them just hard enough to disrupt their sleep cycle, but not enough to actually wake them enough that they will remove you to your own bed.
  • Scream and cry for Mommy, but the moment she comes to you, be totally sound asleep and silent. As soon as she lays back down and starts to doze back off, repeat.
  • Leave a window open, through which the directionally impaired cat can escape in order to get trapped on the porch roof and make a ruckus. 
  • Every couple of months, coordinate with everyone else to sleep soundly through the night.  Your mom's subconscious knowledge that someone will be up at some point will do the rest.

1 comment:

  1. Can I add a few?

    -Sleepwalk into the bathroom, and pee down the laundry chute that goes directly into a laundry basket in your parents' room. This forces Mommy up, out of bed, and to the washer at 2am.

    - Sleepwalk into the bathroom, and then forget how to pee. Scream at the top of your lungs until someone comes upstairs and reminds you.

    - Get your head stuck in the sleeve of your turtleneck at 5 am because you just couldn't wait to put on your t-ball uniform.

    - Throw up at 7 pm while Mommy is next door at a babysitting co-op meeting. Go to bed at normal time, and then wake up and wander downstairs at midnight. Scream at Mommy that it was all her fault that you threw up, because she was gone and you missed her so much. Wander back upstairs and fall back asleep.

    - Throw up in the middle of the night, and then lay in it and scream until someone comes to get you. Bonus points if you throw up on the carpet in the hallway. This, too, is a classic.

    - Break the crib in a hotel room without making a sound, climb out of the hole that is now in the railings of the crib, grab your stuffed monkey, and then run over to your parents' bed.